


wish you were here

by andnowforyaya



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Epistolary, Established Relationship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Undecided Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:55:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9874586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/pseuds/andnowforyaya
Summary: Kihyun leaves for Japan. Hoseok wonders if it's really over.





	

[video start]

The horizon splits the frame into three: the ocean between the strip of sand and sky. The camera turns and there is Kihyun, stretched out on a pink towel, his shoulders bare and a little red, his black hair tousled and stiff from the salt in the air and water. He looks into the camera, lays it on the edge of his towel and pillows his head onto the tops of his forearms. And there are his lips, his pink bow lips with the tiny beauty mark at the right corner that Hoseok likes to kiss.

Kihyun says: It’s gorgeous today. Minhyuk was up earlier than I was to drag everyone to the beach. I can’t believe we’re leaving tomorrow. The past week has been...amazing. Wish you didn’t have to work. You would have loved it, Hoseok. I want to come back here with you. Or go anywhere, really. When I get back, let’s pick a place and go there, okay?

Kihyun smiles, revealing bright, pearly teeth. His eyes close against the sun. The waves lap at the shore, the water glittering. It is a long moment of bliss, and then the camera topples over.

Kihyun: Yah!

Minhyuk, off screen: Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt your call with your -- boyfriend.

Kihyun fixes the camera, looking up at Minhyuk, then down again into the lens, inspecting it, his face uncomfortably close.

Kihyun says: It’s a recording. He didn’t pick up when I called, so he’s probably working. I’m just going to send it to him later.

The sky fills the screen, a pure and deep blue. It is cloudless, an empty canvass. Then, nothing.

[video end]

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The trip to the beach was last summer. Hoseok watches the clip every couple of weeks, stumbles upon it on his phone when he’s sorting through his memories with the help of a couple of beers alone in his apartment. 

He still sleeps on one side of the bed, and there is an extra pair of slippers by the front door. The cushions in the couch still dip where it was Kihyun’s favorite spot to curl up with a book and tea or his laptop to monitor his photos, as though he were still here, just invisible. A ghost inhabiting Hoseok’s home.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

[photo]

Date: November 22, 2011.

Pictured from left to right: Jooheon, Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hoseok, Changkyun, and Hyungwon. Hyunwoo’s index finger in the top right corner. 

The sign of the restaurant behind and above them, in bright white letters against a dark building and darker sky. Smiles on everyone’s faces, scarves wrapped around every neck, shoulders made bigger from the jackets on their bodies. Hoseok’s arm around Kihyun’s narrow waist, his gaze on the smaller man instead of the camera.

Not pictured, but written on the back: Hoseok asked me out today!! Happy birthday to me. [heart]

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Minhyuk buzzes him in through the lobby and then answers the door, smoke that makes Hoseok’s eyes water furling out of the gap in the jamb.

“Minhyuk, what--”

“Hoseok,” Minhyuk says, opening the door wider and pulling Hoseok inside. “Don’t worry; I disconnected the smoke detector. No need to evacuate the whole building every time I burn some bacon.” He flutters over to the windows in his living room and throws them all wide open, the curtains billowing in the breeze that comes through. 

Hoseok coughs, holding the small box in his arms awkwardly, standing in the middle of Minhyuk’s living room as Minhyuk sprints back into the kitchen and turns off the stove. “Are you sure that’s bacon?”

“To be honest,” Minhyuk says over his shoulder, “a kitchen towel kind of caught on fire.” 

Minhyuk runs the faucet in the sink. The pan sizzles when the water hits it. Hoseok closes his eyes, the sound bringing a familiar pang into his gut as the smoke clears. He pictures Kihyun at their stove, in the apron Hoseok bought for him as a joke, eyes watering as he inspects the stew he's been slaving over for hours.

Minhyuk shuts the water off. He returns to the living room, looking sheepish and peering into the box still in Hoseok’s arms. “What brings you over, man?”

Hoseok swallows, his throat feeling scratchy and thick. “I brought some of Kihyun’s things I found. I thought he might want it. I mean, he might not, and that’s why he left it, but.” He deflates, unsure what else to say. Minhyuk shoots him a look full of sympathy that makes Hoseok want to crawl under his bed and shrivel up into a husk.

“It’s not weird that he’s staying with me, right?” Minhyuk asks, for the millionth time. “You know we don’t have to do that thing where you break up so your friends have to break up, too. Because that would be pretty shitty. Plus! You're not really broken up, so there's that.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok says, attempting to be light. "That would suck for me because you guys are pretty much my only friends.”

Minhyuk smiles a brittle, hopeful smile, taking the box from Hoseok and putting it down on the coffee table in front of his couch. He sits before it. He rifles through some of the things at the top: an old photo album, a stack of polaroids, some rolls of film Hoseok found in a drawer in his kitchen. Underneath, there is a neatly folded sweatshirt, a notebook, Kihyun's slippers. 

“Thanks for bringing it over,” Minhyuk says kindly. He picks up the stack of polaroids and flips through them quickly, smiling at each scene and peering closer at the ones he might not remember as well. “I can’t believe this was six years ago,” he says, showing Hoseok one photo they’d taken outside of the student center, after a performance where they’d heard Jooheon’s spoken word for the first time, and Kihyun’s soft acoustic melodies. 

Hoseok itches to take the polaroid from Minhyuk’s hands, to put it in his pocket. He’d messed up. He could do it over again, start at the points here in these photos. He’d do it right this time. 

Hoseok had scoured his apartment for traces of Kihyun. He’d thumbed through the stack of developed polaroids last night on his own, missing Kihyun so intensely he thought he could drown in the feeling. He’d kept the polaroid from Kihyun’s birthday night, the night he asked Kihyun out the first time. He’d put it in the drawer of his nightstand by his bed.

“Yeah,” he says, “five and a half years was over in a second.”

Minhyuk furrows his brows together so tightly they look like they’re touching in the center of his forehead. “It’s just a break, Hoseok,” he says. “It’s not over yet.”

Hoseok shakes his head, remembering how Kihyun had looked when he’d stormed out of their apartment, his eyes wet, his cheeks pink like they’d been seared. “I don’t know, Minhyuk,” he says.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[video start]

The light is gray, and Hoseok’s sheets are pale, pale blue. Kihyun sleeps, his face relaxed, his lips slightly parted, the covers pulled up to his shoulders. A song begins to play, interrupting the silence, and Kihyun breathes deeply, chest expanding, a wrinkle forming in his brow.

Hoseok, off screen, says: Shit --

The footage shakes and for moment, there is Hoseok, his hair like a wild nest on top of his head. The song abruptly shuts off.

Kihyun groans, rolls over onto his back, his hands in little fists on the pillow by his head. Says: Hoseok?

Hoseok says: Sorry, babe. My alarm went off.

Kihyun squints one eye open. Rolls over onto his side and away from the camera. Says: Are you taking pictures? 

Hoseok says: No. I’m taking a video. Because you look so cute when you’re sleeping, and I want to be able to look at it whenever I want.

Kihyun says: Creep.

They laugh. Kihyun turns back to the camera, smiles into the viewfinder, soft around the edges.

Hoseok says: I love you so much. Move in with me. Please.

Kihyun’s face scrunches up. Says: Here? Into your dorm?

Hoseok says: After. When we graduate. Say yes.

The smile that breaks over Kihyun’s face is huge, and perfect. It takes a moment for the glow to settle over his skin. He reaches for Hoseok. Says: Yes, yes. Okay.

[video end]

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[voicemail: 2015 Nov 08]

Hey. It’s me. You said you were running late like half an hour ago so I just wanted to check to see if you were still coming. I know it’s just a work thing, but -- Anyway, it’s off the Ewha stop. Just -- give me a call? Or answer your texts, Hoseok. See you. Love you.

.

[voicenote: 2016 Jan 15]

Hey. It’s me. Are you still coming out to dinner tonight? We’re going to get started. Don’t work too hard, okay? Maybe I’ll just order something for you to take home. See you. Love you.

.

[voicenote: 2016 Feb 12]

Hey, Hoseok! It’s Minhyuk! I just wanted to let you know Kihyun is staying over at mine tonight. If that’s cool. I mean, I guess we don’t have a choice because he’s already passed out on my couch. It’s okay, though. We just had a couple drinks. What’s going on with you two, anyway? Is everything okay? You know you can always talk to me. 

.

[voicenote: 2016 Apr 22]

Ho--seok! I know you’re working. You’re always working. It’s kind of like we don’t even live together. But hey, I love you. Ever since we were stupid little freshmen. But what about you? Yah, Minhyuk -- no he didn’t pick up but he still needs to hear this. Let go! I’m not drunk. I’m just a little drunk. Hoseok! What was I saying? Oh, right--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


There is not much for Hoseok to do without Kihyun. Or, maybe it’s: Hoseok doesn’t  _ know  _ what to do without Kihyun. It feels too soon to reach out to their mutual friends. He has nightmares about how Kihyun might have painted him as a monster to them, even though he knows Kihyun wouldn’t do anything like that. Well, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything like that.

So he works a lot, at his desk in the office, writing code until his vision goes blurry. He was always working, though, so it’s no different from how it was before. The company provides breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. Upward mobility and snacks. There’s a gym and a masseuse and free beer on Friday afternoons and coworkers who want to drink with him. 

He supposes that was part of the problem. He never felt like he needed to leave. 

The only thing his workplace doesn’t provide is housing. Housing, and Kihyun. And now he has an empty apartment and no Kihyun, just the shallow gouges in the wall by the front door where Kihyun had dragged a heavy suitcase full of his things across the floor as he left.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[voicemail: 2016 Aug 15]

I know you’re in the air right now. I don’t even know if you’ll receive this, Kihyunnie. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, and that I love you. And I understand why you want to take a break. I haven’t been a very good boyfriend. But when you get back, maybe we can try again. Remember how you wanted us to go somewhere together? We could do that. Shit, I’ve got so many vacation days leftover. You pick a place and we’ll go. If you want. Or we could just stay in Seoul, in our little apartment, with each other. Some of your things are still here. I think that means--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[a dream]

Kihyun stands in the living room, his camera around his neck, his suitcase by his feet. He’s wearing one of Hoseok’s old hoodies and jeans that are rolled up at his ankles. He says: The project in Japan is going to be a couple months long. Maybe it’s a good time for us to take a break, too. Think over things. The way things are going -- I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship where I’m always wondering if you’re going to come home.

Hoseok stands in the living room, his glasses perched on his nose, his laptop under his arm, the pockets of his jeans spilled over with photographs of him and Kihyun, together, separate, now and across time. He says: You tried so hard. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. 

The door slams after Kihyun walks out. 

Hoseok follows him, heart breaking. He is at the airport, and there’s an extra ticket in his hands. He finds Kihyun in the line for boarding. He says: Maybe I’ll come with you.

Kihyun smiles, and Hoseok’s heart puts itself back together. He says: I’m so happy you came after me, Hoseok.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[what really happened]

Kihyun stands in the living room, his camera around his neck, his suitcase by his feet, and there’s a ringing in Hoseok’s ears.

“What did you say?” he asks Kihyun, because he can’t believe him. Things have been rocky for the past few months but they’ve been trying. Hoseok can’t help that he’s up for a bigger, more demanding project at work. He can’t help that he has a more stable income than Kihyun, that he wants to provide for him in this way. That he comes home from work exhausted more often than not, usually only able to join Kihyun for a late home-cooked meal before passing out. He’s never been able to do things without throwing himself completely into them. He thought Kihyun knew this about him.

Kihyun’s wearing one of Hoseok’s old hoodies and jeans that are rolled up at his ankles. He fiddles with his camera. He says, “They put me on a project in Kyoto. It starts in August and wraps in early November. I’m going to take it.”

Hoseok asks, numb, “But what about us?”

Kihyun shrugs, feigning nonchalance, but his shoulders are tight. He’s holding his camera so close to his chest, like a shield. He says, “It's only a couple of months. Maybe this comes at a good time, anyway. We’ve been struggling, Hoseok. Maybe it’s a good time for us to take a break. Think over things. The way things are going--” He breaks off, chewing on his bottom lip, his eyes welling with tears. “I’m staying with Minhyuk until I leave for Japan.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Hoseok asks.

“What?” Kihyun says. “What do you want to say about this?”

Hoseok digs his heels into the floor like a bull. “I don’t think you should go. I think you should stay. My big project will wrap soon, and I’ll have more time -- more time for us.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes, and just like that the tension rises to a sharp point. Their fights have been so bad lately, and always about the same thing.

Hoseok says, “I’m sorry that I work so much to make much money for things like rent and food, Kihyun.”

Kihyun says, screams, “I’m sorry I don’t want to play second string to your job.” 

He turns on his heel, the suitcase protesting the awkward angle as he drags it across the floor. And then, the gouges. The door slams. Hoseok is alone, eyes burning, face wet with tears.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[photo] @yoo_k1hyun, 2days

Pictured: Kihyun, the hood of his sweater drawn around his face, the drawstrings tied under his chin. A sleepy smile. Behind him, the busy terminal for Asiana arrivals.

Caption: finally back in #seoul :)

Likes: 148

.

[photo] @yoo_k1hyun, 2days

Pictured: Kihyun’s forehead in full view as he looks down at his phone, a column of smoke rising from the grill before him. Minhyuk’s face in the foreground in the corner, his cheeky smile.

Caption: #firstmeal must be #bbq :) yum yum! 

Likes: 206

.

[photo] @yoo_k1hyun, 1day

Pictured: Sunrise over the city, taking from a balcony, the silhouette of Minhyuk’s attempt at a garden -- misshapen plants in pots and vases -- in the foreground.

Caption: beautiful things must be shared. feeling #nostaglic

Likes: 157

Comment thread:

@shin_tokki: welcome home, ki

@yoo_k1hyun: :)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The door has been left unlocked. Hoseok can hear conversations behind it. Even this early in the evening, he would bet good money that Minhyuk had plied his guests with multiple rounds of drinks already. He nudges the door with his shoulder and a jazzy Christmas song welcomes him, and the smell of cinnamon, and cloves, and pine. There is mistletoe above the door. Hoseok deftly steps to the side.

“You made it!” Minhyuk calls out, a bubbly drink in hand. He sashays over from the small group of friends he’d been entertaining. Little circles of conversation litter the living room and kitchen. 

“I made it,” Hoseok says, grinning.

“Glad you decided to come.” Minhyuk reaches him. His apartment is so packed that Hoseok has to hold his breath in order to wedge through people to get to the drinks, Minhyuk’s hand on his wrist pulling him along. 

Hoseok’s glad he decided to come, too. He figures he’s spent about three weeks too long wallowing by himself in his apartment, debating if he could meet up with friends now that Kihyun would again be part of their group. He’s been avoiding them, even though rationally they are his friends too. He can’t get that smiley face Kihyun left in reply to his comment out of his mind. What does it mean? What does he want? What does Hoseok want? It niggles at him.

“Jooheon’s here,” Minhyuk says. “He brought Gunhee. You could catch up with them.” Minhyuk stands at the counter in his kitchen and pours Hoseok a generous helping of straight rum over ice into a plastic cup. He tops it off with a splash of Coke, and hands it to Hoseok, inclining his head in the direction of the duo he mentioned. 

Hoseok looks, and then instinctively he also looks across the room, at the opposite side, where he meets eyes with Kihyun. The shock of his gaze freezes time. Kihyun’s hair is different: brown and soft and a little shorter than usual. Hoseok still wants to run his fingers through it. Kihyun wrenches his gaze away first, lifting a drink to his lips, attention back on the conversation in front of him.

Minhyuk says, “And Kihyun’s here. But it’ll be okay, right?”

Hoseok takes a deep breath and exhales it. Swallows down a big gulp from his drink and winces at the burn as it goes down his throat. “Right,” he says.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Four hours later, Hoseok has talked to everyone at the party except for Kihyun, and his phone buzzes in his pocket with a notification. He pulls it out, his head light like his brain has been replaced by beer foam.

Kihyun says: Come out onto the balcony

He looks over his shoulder and around the room. The party has thinned out a little. He sees Minhyuk and Hyungwon in the kitchen, their heads bent close together. He looks back down at his phone. The message is still there.

He finds his jacket in a pile on the couch and shrugs it on. Goes outside, sliding the glass door open and grunting when it gets a little stuck. He steps out, his toes curling in his socked feet at how cold the floor is. It hasn’t snowed yet this season, but everything is still icy, on the verge, the chill biting at your bones. Hoseok shuffles around near the door looking for slippers and finds an extra pair, stepping into them. He leaves an inch gap in the door.

Kihyun is smoking, hanging over the railing, the burnt orange end of the cigarette like a beacon near his lips. He says, when he sees Hoseok, “Oh. Hi.”

“Hi,” Hoseok says, curbing the initial urge to throw his jacket over Kihyun’s shoulders. Kihyun is only wearing a dumb holiday sweater with a campy snowman printed on the front, his jeans. Not even wearing gloves. He steps up next to Kihyun at the railing, looping his elbows over the metal. “Can I, um, have a drag?”

Kihyun passes his cigarette over to Hoseok. Their fingers brush. Kihyun’s are like ice. Kihyun blows smoke out from between his lips, looking up at the sky. When Hoseok inhales, the smoke fills his mouth and lungs with a familiar warmth, but he coughs when he exhales, and Kihyun laughs.

“It’s been a while, huh?” Kihyun asks, nodding at the cigarette, though Hoseok thinks he’s hinting at more.

“Yeah,” Hoseok manages between his spluttering, giving the cigarette back to Kihyun, who stubs it out and flicks it from his finger onto the unsuspecting sidewalk below. “That’s littering,” Hoseok comments.

“One cigarette butt,” Kihyun refutes. “Did you miss me while I was in Japan?”

Hoseok stops breathing. He feels like the smoke he just inhaled is rising back up to this throat, blocking his airways. Kihyun hums sadly, tenting his fingers together, rubbing them to get them warm again.

“I was so fucking dramatic, huh,” Kihyun says, laughing self-deprecatingly at himself. He raises his finger and voice to imitate the scene in his head. “‘It’s me or your job, Hoseok!’ That was me. God. I’m sorry.”

Hoseok says, “You made a few good points, though. I did work a lot. I...took it for granted you’d just stick around, waiting for me.”

Kihyun leans out farther past the railing, turning his face away from Hoseok. The wind ruffles his hair. He says, so quietly it is almost lost in the breeze, “I would, though.”

Hoseok heart thumps with hope. He shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over Kihyun’s shoulders, who startles at the contact but shivers against the warmth it provides, hugging it closer to his body. “I did miss you while you were in Japan. I miss you still. It’s cliche but so true: the bed feels so big without you. But you wanted space, so I wanted to respect that.”

Kihyun’s head leans on his shoulder. His hair tickles under Hoseok’s chin, and Hoseok puts his arm around Kihyun’s waist. 

Kihyun says, “Everything in Japan made me think of you. I couldn’t stop it: Oh, Hoseok would love this, or that. He’d love to try this. I wish he could see this, or taste this, or just -- be here. With me. Kyoto was beautiful but it felt like the loneliest city in the world.” He asks, “What do we do now?” 

Hoseok holds him, and marvels at how right it feels, Kihyun’s small waist under his hand, his weight on his shoulder. “We could try again,” Hoseok offers. “Be better to each other this time. Talk more. It’s been a couple months now. Has anything changed about the way you feel about me?” 

“No,” Kihyun says, turning his face to Hoseok’s. “I’m still in love with you.”

He tastes like smoke and ash when they kiss, a fire starved of oxygen.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

[photo]

Date: November 22, 2015.

Pictured: Kihyun and Hoseok in profile, faced turned toward each other. Hoseok’s hand over Kihyun’s on the table. Warm ambient light from the candles illuminating their faces. Half eaten plates of roasted vegetables and chicken. Kihyun wears a lopsided paper crown with the words BIRTHDAY PRINCE emblazoned across the front. 

Not pictured, but written on the back: Can you believe Jooheon took this picture when we weren’t looking?! Happy anniversary to my one and only. 4 yrs and a milestone soon to be under our belts. I can’t believe I get to live with you in our own apartment this time next year. I love you, forever and always, through thick and thin. --HS 

 

**Author's Note:**

> for the 'long distance relationship' square in mxbingo....yeah
> 
> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated. esp as i have no idea what i'm doing with this one!! yay
> 
> i'm on twitter @andnowforyaya


End file.
